Saturday, May 9, 2015

Fear of being Alone can ruin what you have today


I am so often asked by friends and clients, “What am I doing wrong?”; “Why do I have to go on all these dates?” Or “It’s such a waste of time” (to take one’s time with someone). “What if I invest all this energy over and over and keep having relationships end?”

Well, though every situation is different and no answer I give is going to hit the mark for everyone; I do often hear myself saying some variation of, “You have to lighten up”. I try to frame this advice more cleverly, or with more tact and often there are nuances to the situation that need serious attention. But apart from all of that there is a common problem I often uncover of looking at dating as a win or lose proposition.  And that is when the term “investment” comes up. It is often used to describe a negative feeling that too much has been given of oneself getting to know another or too much time spent hoping for something that may not occur.

This is not the way to approach dating, or life. When you approach experiences, like dating from a place of that sort of negativity and desperation for success, there is an inherent pressure and unnatural push within it that obscures the flow for both people.  If you are so afraid you will be alone that you pressurize each experience, and each part of the relationship building- then that is what you will have – a pressure cooker.

Relationships are a part of life. Getting to know and connect with someone is in and of itself a life experience and can be a gift if looked at with an open heart and a desire to live fully. There is no reliable map to life. When I get lost in travel, I often find some really cool place I never knew existed. But I wouldn’t have noticed that if I had not been able to see past my plan, or peek around my disappointment to see the other things along the roadway.

Your friends who are married may think they have it all tied up in a neat little package. But they don’t. No one does. There are no neat packages when it comes to life, to love or to relationships. They last, they don’t. We marry, we divorce. People even pass away. Your friend who is getting married today may be divorcing when you are getting married in 10 years. A lot of people plan out their lives: college done by 22; married by 27; 2 kids by 33 etc. But this is not the way to live. This does not allow for the gifts that life can bring. It pressures your experiences. It makes you forfeit today for tomorrow, and it places undue pressure on that lovely date you could be having, because you are so intently sorting if he is the one.  It is important to note that you can’t see clearly with your head buried and ignoring warning signs that someone isn’t a good person. But you can’t see clearly if you are trying to make your life fit into a neat little box either.

Let life flow as much as you are able. Try to enjoy your experiences and learn from them and be open to possibilities. Be grateful for the things you discover, the people that you meet and even the “failures” because you can learn and grow from them if you choose to do so. Yes, move on when things feel all wrong, but also relax the journey a bit. Don’t wait until tomorrow to be content or pleased with your life. You will wish away your today focusing on that day you marry the perfect guy. You won’t see the beauty in your life now if you spend today worrying you will be alone tomorrow. This thinking places you alone within yourself right now. You will be on your course if you have some peace with the moment.

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